By Stasa Misic, Serbia
Right at the beginning, I have to say that I have always had a wonderful life as far as material things are concerned, as well as the love of my beautiful family. I never really lacked anything, and I always had everything I needed and more. This only means that I had chosen perfect parents to whom I am grateful, for accepting me as their daughter. Since childhood, I have been tormented by questions on the meaning of life, that is to say, its meaninglessness. Does it really all come down to being born, studying, working, and dying? In one word: suffering! What’s it all for? I had a thousand and one questions to which my mother could not answer, so that in the end, she even bought me a book, ‘One Thousand Questions and Answers’, thinking that this will put her out of her misery. However, I found no answers to my questions in that book. I recall how even in preschool, I was pondering upon the question: “If I hadn’t been born and did not exist in this world, would I know that?”
My intensive search for answers began in the year 2000 when I fell into depression. That’s when for the first time, I experienced homeopathy, which without a doubt helped me the most. The cause of my sorrow was the course of my life which, upon finishing secondary school, was no longer going down the ‘normal’ path. Everyone around me was finishing their studies on time, getting a job, getting married, having children, while I was feeling completely stuck in the midst of it all. Absolutely nothing in my life went the way “it’s prescribed, and it should be”. Of course, that’s when I started reading many books on spirituality. One of the first ones was ‘Awakening’, which was bought once again by my lovely mother, who made the right choice this time.
After that came other books, TV programs, videos… followed by the workshops on psychological wellbeing and self-help. I tried all sorts of things and methods, which I practiced scrupulously, continuously, and for a long time to change my life in a material sense (and by that, I don’t mean just financially). But nothing was happening. While applying each of those methods, I’d always develop a big expectation. I wouldn’t have been doing them in the first place if I hadn’t been expecting some positive results, at least in some aspect of my life. But nothing was happening. Afterwards would always follow disappointment and sorrow. And then I’d lift myself up once again, giving it another try, which would always end up with the same negative outcome.
Then came May 2013, and my first meeting with Mohanji in a satsang in Novi Sad. I remember him answering the first question on free will, saying in his first sentence that free will is just a myth and that it exists only before we take this body. At that moment, I had a feeling as if I was relieved of an enormous burden, and I felt an incredible lightness! Since then, I started attending the meditations regularly, and the next year followed the first retreat as well.
Soon I discarded all the techniques I used to practice, which were only adding to my burden, and I simply started gradually accepting life circumstances. Thanks to Mohanji, I now realized that the only thing that I can change is the way in which I perceive my situations in life and nothing else! And even more important, I was paying less and less attention to what others think I should do with my life and whether they think my lifestyle is normal or not. Peace started settling within me. Of course, this peacefulness still gets disrupted, but the states of peace and bliss are becoming longer and longer.
My life, as seen from the outside, was still the same! Nothing has changed! I still don’t have a ‘normal’ steady job, nor my family, husband, nor children. I have nothing that is considered ‘normal.’